Forever Changed
Today I felt led to share my testimony. I must admit I was hesitant at first because in sharing my story, I would be so exposed. But then the verse came to mind, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17)." We are all sinners. If you are a follower of Christ, there was a moment in time being compelled by the Holy Spirit, you turned from your sin and you turned to Jesus. Each one of us has a past and thank God, He doesn't give up on us and let us die in our sin. He is so merciful and patient with us, not wanting anyone to perish.
I am not sure exactly when the eating disorder started. It was in my early college years. I started out skipping meals here and there. I would also exercise obsessively, most often when things around me seemed out of control. Not long after that I became bulimic and this would sometimes turn into anorexia. It became a vicious cycle and pretty soon it was spiraling out of control. I hid it well for a long time. With any eating disorder, there is much deception involved. This eating disorder that started out so seemingly small, had now managed to take over my life. I didn't like the way it made me feel inside, but at the time I didn't know how to change or stop what I was doing. This was a way for me to have control. I couldn't control situations or people around me but I could control the eating disorder or so I thought. I was living in a prison-a prison in my own mind. I was trapped and could not see how this disorder would ever end. I remember thinking that the eating disorder would be with me all of my life. The only time in the ten year span my eating disorder ceased was the two times I was pregnant with my boys. In the meantime, I was going to church, well at least on Sundays. Sometimes I would pray, but I hardly ever read the Bible. I bought books on overcoming eating disorders and even went to counseling a few times, but always went back to the eating disorder. My life was a mess and I hated the person I was.
But God! He had a different plan for me! He orchestrated events in my life that led me to the hospital. He needed to get me alone. He needed to get my attention. I remember laying in the hospital bed thinking, I am not in control and I do not know when I will take my last breath. God had gotten my attention! When I was released from the hospital, I went home and felt an urge to read the Bible. I also felt the urge to watch TCT, a Christian television network. Coincidence? No way, it was my God drawing me to Himself. He was seeking after me when I wasn't even looking. "I was found by those who did not seek Me; I revealed Myself to those who did not ask for Me (Romans 10:20)."
In March of 2008, I had come to the end of myself. Falling down on the floor, I cried out to God....and in that moment, He grabbed hold of my heart. I was forever changed. He opened my blind eyes and I saw Him for the first time. He filled me with His Spirit and set me free. Free from the eating disorder and free from every chain that had ever held me captive. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36)." You see, all my life, I knew about Jesus. I believed that He died on a cross for my sin and rose again three days later. I knew some scripture. I went to church. All I had was religion, not intimacy and fellowship with the Savior. I had much knowledge, but it was all head knowledge that had not penetrated my heart. I put on a good front, I "acted" like I was a Christ follower, but inside I was dead. I was a Pharisee. "Then the Lord said to him, 'Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness (Luke 11:39)."
When the Holy Spirit came to live inside of me, I changed. My desires changed. My perspective changed. I hungered after God. I hungered for His word. I stopped doing the things I once did. I could not get enough of my Lord. I wanted to know Him more and more. It is impossible to keep living the way you once lived when you are born again. You are a new creation! The life you live is not your own. The Spirit transforms you and this happens on the inside. It is not anything that you do. It is all by His grace and the Spirit will continue to grow you in Christ until the day He appears. Oh how I thank my Lord for reaching down from on high and taking hold of me. He never gave up on me. He didn't leave me to continue down the path of destruction I was on. He knew the woman I would become in Him.
Anyone who calls on the Lord Jesus will be saved! He is no respecter of persons. He takes all of the broken pieces of our life and makes something beautiful. No one is ever to far that the arm of the Lord cannot save. There is nothing you have done that will keep God from loving you, from drawing you, and from forgiving you. He wants a broken and contrite heart. God called David, a man who committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband murdered, a man after His own heart. We serve the God of all grace. This precious grace covers all of your sin. Don't think for a moment that God doesn't love you. You are beautiful and so adored by the King. He will take your life and use it for His glory. I am a living example of the grace and mercy of God. I deserved hell, but instead, God gave me life. A life that is forever changed, all because of Him!
I am not sure exactly when the eating disorder started. It was in my early college years. I started out skipping meals here and there. I would also exercise obsessively, most often when things around me seemed out of control. Not long after that I became bulimic and this would sometimes turn into anorexia. It became a vicious cycle and pretty soon it was spiraling out of control. I hid it well for a long time. With any eating disorder, there is much deception involved. This eating disorder that started out so seemingly small, had now managed to take over my life. I didn't like the way it made me feel inside, but at the time I didn't know how to change or stop what I was doing. This was a way for me to have control. I couldn't control situations or people around me but I could control the eating disorder or so I thought. I was living in a prison-a prison in my own mind. I was trapped and could not see how this disorder would ever end. I remember thinking that the eating disorder would be with me all of my life. The only time in the ten year span my eating disorder ceased was the two times I was pregnant with my boys. In the meantime, I was going to church, well at least on Sundays. Sometimes I would pray, but I hardly ever read the Bible. I bought books on overcoming eating disorders and even went to counseling a few times, but always went back to the eating disorder. My life was a mess and I hated the person I was.
But God! He had a different plan for me! He orchestrated events in my life that led me to the hospital. He needed to get me alone. He needed to get my attention. I remember laying in the hospital bed thinking, I am not in control and I do not know when I will take my last breath. God had gotten my attention! When I was released from the hospital, I went home and felt an urge to read the Bible. I also felt the urge to watch TCT, a Christian television network. Coincidence? No way, it was my God drawing me to Himself. He was seeking after me when I wasn't even looking. "I was found by those who did not seek Me; I revealed Myself to those who did not ask for Me (Romans 10:20)."
In March of 2008, I had come to the end of myself. Falling down on the floor, I cried out to God....and in that moment, He grabbed hold of my heart. I was forever changed. He opened my blind eyes and I saw Him for the first time. He filled me with His Spirit and set me free. Free from the eating disorder and free from every chain that had ever held me captive. "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36)." You see, all my life, I knew about Jesus. I believed that He died on a cross for my sin and rose again three days later. I knew some scripture. I went to church. All I had was religion, not intimacy and fellowship with the Savior. I had much knowledge, but it was all head knowledge that had not penetrated my heart. I put on a good front, I "acted" like I was a Christ follower, but inside I was dead. I was a Pharisee. "Then the Lord said to him, 'Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness (Luke 11:39)."
When the Holy Spirit came to live inside of me, I changed. My desires changed. My perspective changed. I hungered after God. I hungered for His word. I stopped doing the things I once did. I could not get enough of my Lord. I wanted to know Him more and more. It is impossible to keep living the way you once lived when you are born again. You are a new creation! The life you live is not your own. The Spirit transforms you and this happens on the inside. It is not anything that you do. It is all by His grace and the Spirit will continue to grow you in Christ until the day He appears. Oh how I thank my Lord for reaching down from on high and taking hold of me. He never gave up on me. He didn't leave me to continue down the path of destruction I was on. He knew the woman I would become in Him.
Anyone who calls on the Lord Jesus will be saved! He is no respecter of persons. He takes all of the broken pieces of our life and makes something beautiful. No one is ever to far that the arm of the Lord cannot save. There is nothing you have done that will keep God from loving you, from drawing you, and from forgiving you. He wants a broken and contrite heart. God called David, a man who committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband murdered, a man after His own heart. We serve the God of all grace. This precious grace covers all of your sin. Don't think for a moment that God doesn't love you. You are beautiful and so adored by the King. He will take your life and use it for His glory. I am a living example of the grace and mercy of God. I deserved hell, but instead, God gave me life. A life that is forever changed, all because of Him!
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